Clumsy Cause' I'm Falling In Love

Falling in love. We’ve all done it. Life just isn’t nearly as fulfilling without having fallen in love at least once. Some people take the plunge and jump headfirst off a very large cliff straight into what they believe will be a pool deep and wide enough in which to bathe in love forever. Others have taken that fall and have found that the pool isn’t nearly deep or wide enough and they are badly hurt. Many just poke a toe or two in to test the waters, ever cautious in case the water should be too hot or too cold. We call those that take the leap without hesitation fools because love is something that should be carefully considered with thoughtful insight as to the possible consequences of what pain may lay in the aftermath if things just don’t go our way. We berate those who have been hurt before saying that the past is the past and it is time to move on. And we applaud the water pokers who stick only a toe in before deciding whether or not this is a no-go. We think that these people are responsible because they get close enough to enjoy the rewards of loving and being loved, but they are also far away enough to not be devastated when there is love lost. Me, I am one of the reckless ones. I am learning to love with abandon. Seemingly I am disparaging all reason and moving into uncharted waters. This is in more ways than one and I have never been this way before.

I am hopelessly in love with the work I am doing here. I am unabashedly in love with the children who are touching my life here and are allowing me a peek into theirs. When I see little Thembi, who was not walking when I arrived, take 62, yes 62, steps across the yard at the babies home without falling; my heart swells with pride and I am in awe of her. How can such a little creature learn a skill that she will develop the rest of her life in such a short amount of time? I arrive at school and I look into the windows of the classrooms to see blind children coloring inside the lines and autistic children singing songs with the correct words. I am absolutely fascinated by the human spirit and the drive to want to create and be recreated. Most of these children are orphans, live in homes with five or more people to a room, sleep in flea infested beds, starve on the weekends, freeze in the winters, and burn with fever in the summers. They have every reason to sit in the dirt and idly let the days slip away. But they don’t. We say the kids here are disabled, but we are not entirely right. They are not disabled as much as they are differently-abled. These children laugh, swing, jump, scream, and play as much as “normal” kids do. The world is so stacked against them and their chances of escaping some of their circumstances are grim. Yet, they smile and they are happy. Every giggle and every new step taken by these children is another reminder that circumstances do not determine happiness; only you have the power to decide that. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn here. In the absence of so much, there is still so much to be thankful for.

So I am in love once again. This time not with a new hobby or with a new partner; rather, with the children here and the work I am doing. A few people have brought up the point that I should try to remain somewhat emotionally detached from those that I work with because in truth there will be a terrible amount of sadness that will come with loving these children and this job. Maybe remaining detached would shield me a bit from the pain of seeing others suffer and die, but I am sorry, I just cannot do that. They say you cannot choose the person you love, only how you will love them. It is my decision to love these kids in spite of the hurt that I know will come. It is my decision to give myself entirely to this job and to take that plunge. I know I do not have to, but I want to. I would rather love and lose then to remain on the sidelines wondering what this would be like if I could just step in. This is the most rewarding thing I have ever done because at the end of the day I realize that I given so much but I have gained far more. A ton of children have taught me this and a special someone continuously helps me be aware of and grateful for the small miracles everyday. So folks, today decide to do one thing that scare the pants right off of you and make it happen. Do something courageous and if it was the right decision, you will know and if it was wrong, you will know as well; but at least you can say you found out. And if this is difficult, and it probably will be, ask yourself what are you gaining by standing outside the fire? Just try it…I’m glad I did.