Clumsy Cause' I'm Falling In Love

Falling in love. We’ve all done it. Life just isn’t nearly as fulfilling without having fallen in love at least once. Some people take the plunge and jump headfirst off a very large cliff straight into what they believe will be a pool deep and wide enough in which to bathe in love forever. Others have taken that fall and have found that the pool isn’t nearly deep or wide enough and they are badly hurt. Many just poke a toe or two in to test the waters, ever cautious in case the water should be too hot or too cold. We call those that take the leap without hesitation fools because love is something that should be carefully considered with thoughtful insight as to the possible consequences of what pain may lay in the aftermath if things just don’t go our way. We berate those who have been hurt before saying that the past is the past and it is time to move on. And we applaud the water pokers who stick only a toe in before deciding whether or not this is a no-go. We think that these people are responsible because they get close enough to enjoy the rewards of loving and being loved, but they are also far away enough to not be devastated when there is love lost. Me, I am one of the reckless ones. I am learning to love with abandon. Seemingly I am disparaging all reason and moving into uncharted waters. This is in more ways than one and I have never been this way before.

I am hopelessly in love with the work I am doing here. I am unabashedly in love with the children who are touching my life here and are allowing me a peek into theirs. When I see little Thembi, who was not walking when I arrived, take 62, yes 62, steps across the yard at the babies home without falling; my heart swells with pride and I am in awe of her. How can such a little creature learn a skill that she will develop the rest of her life in such a short amount of time? I arrive at school and I look into the windows of the classrooms to see blind children coloring inside the lines and autistic children singing songs with the correct words. I am absolutely fascinated by the human spirit and the drive to want to create and be recreated. Most of these children are orphans, live in homes with five or more people to a room, sleep in flea infested beds, starve on the weekends, freeze in the winters, and burn with fever in the summers. They have every reason to sit in the dirt and idly let the days slip away. But they don’t. We say the kids here are disabled, but we are not entirely right. They are not disabled as much as they are differently-abled. These children laugh, swing, jump, scream, and play as much as “normal” kids do. The world is so stacked against them and their chances of escaping some of their circumstances are grim. Yet, they smile and they are happy. Every giggle and every new step taken by these children is another reminder that circumstances do not determine happiness; only you have the power to decide that. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn here. In the absence of so much, there is still so much to be thankful for.

So I am in love once again. This time not with a new hobby or with a new partner; rather, with the children here and the work I am doing. A few people have brought up the point that I should try to remain somewhat emotionally detached from those that I work with because in truth there will be a terrible amount of sadness that will come with loving these children and this job. Maybe remaining detached would shield me a bit from the pain of seeing others suffer and die, but I am sorry, I just cannot do that. They say you cannot choose the person you love, only how you will love them. It is my decision to love these kids in spite of the hurt that I know will come. It is my decision to give myself entirely to this job and to take that plunge. I know I do not have to, but I want to. I would rather love and lose then to remain on the sidelines wondering what this would be like if I could just step in. This is the most rewarding thing I have ever done because at the end of the day I realize that I given so much but I have gained far more. A ton of children have taught me this and a special someone continuously helps me be aware of and grateful for the small miracles everyday. So folks, today decide to do one thing that scare the pants right off of you and make it happen. Do something courageous and if it was the right decision, you will know and if it was wrong, you will know as well; but at least you can say you found out. And if this is difficult, and it probably will be, ask yourself what are you gaining by standing outside the fire? Just try it…I’m glad I did.

Overworked, Not Paid, and Completely Content With That

Being a Peace Corps volunteer is at some times exciting, other times mundane, and always exhausting. I cannot say that this is true for every one in the Peace Corps or even for my group as a whole, but for me, I have never worked harder in my life. While I am not building homes like I did with Habitat for Humanity or ripping small trees out of the earth like I did for ASB Florida, I am so challenged with the work I am doing because it is so much harder to constantly bend your mind than it is to break your back. I am at work right now during tea break/recess, and taking a moment to drink my cold instant coffee and write a little. This is one of the few times of the day when life is relatively quiet. When I say relatively quiet, I mean exactly that. There are fifty students with different disabilities ranging from autism, mental retardation, Downs syndrome, and cerebral palsy to disassociated language disorders, hearing impairment and limited sight disorders; and the majority of them are running around the school screaming, crying, squeaking, yelping, clapping, laughing, and/or jumping up and down. Screaming kids + recess = a very much needed tea break. At two o’clock today I will leave school, go the library to return my books/ get some quiet, pick up some groceries, visit the post office, and then return home to eight more excited children. While this is exhausting at times, it is not overwhelming.

I signed my contract for the Peace Corps having a few ideas of what I might be doing in Africa and this was not at all what I expected. This is FAR better than I could have ever imagined. I have never laughed and learned so much in my entire life as I have done here. Today marks the 100th day since I left home, as a very special somebody pointed out to me today. Today marks the day of 100 days unforgettable memories and unbelievable experiences. When people ask me what life is like for me here, I say “It’s great. I am having the time of my life and it is challenging” and all of those things are true. However, I realize that answer is fairly lame and unimaginative. It is just that it is so difficult to put into words how and what I do daily. Things that might seems insignificant in the States are a huge deal to me here and I try to explain my day or what I am up to and it just falls so short of helping people to understand this. For instance, the other day in the grocery store I asked for some bread in Zulu and also where to find better avocados and I got and understood the reply that was in Zulu. This might not be a big deal to many people who go to the grocery store and understand what is being said to them, but for me it was a great big deal when someone replied to me in Zulu even when they speak English. It made me feel more accepted and now every time that I go to Pick n’ Pay I talk to that lady in the bread aisle about her day and her family in my very lacking Zulu. Also, when I walk out of the store sometimes, people shout “Nqobile” and I wave to the teachers from my school or from my friends in eMondlo. This wouldn’t mean as much in the States where you see people you know everyday, but here, where I am a virtual stranger to almost everyone I see daily, it means the world for someone to notice me and take the time to say hello. It also makes my heart swell when I get home and have little Mpatho running up to me with his arms open wide screaming “Aunti Christi, you are here” and then he allows me to pick him up and swing him around while wrapped in a big bear hug. While I can’t be around my siblings to read them stories at bedtime or play with them outside, I had 21 other little ones that are a wonderful addition to my life and are entirely unique in their own ways. I really wish I could say something more substantial now but I must get back to work. Until then…